I failed at so many things this year. Me, the person who usually achieves everything, failed at every damn thing I set out to do. I did not have one success this year and that hurts...deeply. But I'm suppressing my pain, because I don't want to face my disgust with myself. I hope things change for the better eventually. I am so disappointed in myself.
My heart has been aching and beating so fast, I want to confess so bad but I can't because I know I'd get rejected and things will change between us... It feels unreal I haven't loved anyone like this before and I'm just gonna fumble omfg 🥀
Lately, I've been feeling pretty miserable. It's as if I'm waiting for something, but I don't understand what. All I feel is shame, sadness, longing, disgust. To be honest... I feel worse than I did last year. Last year, when I was just sad, I could talk about it and cry. But now I can't do anything. I've closed myself off from others as much as possible, stopped talking about myself, stopped talking about anything at all. I just listen. I have this heavy feeling inside, but I can't express it. Nothing helps.
The school year is about to start... And...Lately, I've been feeling pretty miserable. It's as if I'm waiting for something, but I don't understand what. All I feel is shame, sadness, longing, disgust. To be honest... I feel worse than I did last year. Last year, when I was just sad, I could talk about it and cry. But now I can't do anything. I've closed myself off from others as much as possible, stopped talking about myself, stopped talking about anything at all. I just listen. I have this heavy feeling inside, but I can't express it. Nothing helps.
The school year is about to start... And I haven't been able to deal with how I feel. I haven't done anything useful this summer. I've been thinking about strange things... And so time has flown by.
I feel so lonely. Not in terms of love or relationships, as I don't need romance. I am lonely among people... I have no friends. Life has been tough on me these past couple of years, but I could have coped with it. But I couldn't.
I just want to disappear, but not die. To go somewhere where my head isn't filled with horrible thoughts, fixations and constant self-criticism. Why am I so afraid to feel like a human being?
I understand that these are all silly teenage problems, but realising this fact does not help me get rid of these feelings. It's as if my mind and emotions live separately. And I can't do anything about it. I just feel like something is really off. I understand the reasons, their consequences, theoretical solutions. But I can't help myself. I seem to not care, but... it doesn't give me peace. It's such a contradiction.
To my best friend: I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU FOR BEING ALIVE!!!! You have been through so much and I am so so proud of you for continuing to fight this long. I am so proud of you for continuing to be an amazing and nice and supportive and understanding person despite the shit you’ve been through. I hope you know how much I and many other people care about you. I hope you know that no matter what happens you always have a support system and community that is there for you no matter what happens. I...To my best friend: I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU FOR BEING ALIVE!!!! You have been through so much and I am so so proud of you for continuing to fight this long. I am so proud of you for continuing to be an amazing and nice and supportive and understanding person despite the shit you’ve been through. I hope you know how much I and many other people care about you. I hope you know that no matter what happens you always have a support system and community that is there for you no matter what happens. I hope you understand and I mean really understand that you do not deserve any of the shit you get from your parents and siblings and that you did not deserve to go through any of that. You are doing the right thing and I mean it when I say that. Even if the situation you’re in tries to take you away from your friends and this community, we won’t let you leave (unless you want to lol) we’ll always be here to support you through anything and everything (unless you like kill a bunch of people or something idfk) You are a complete and total dumbass sometimes but you’re literally one of the most smartest, strongest, nice, most caring, understanding, supportive, and funny people I know. You have
helped me and so many other people, you introduced me to MCR, the band that ended up saving my life and getting me into so many other bands and TUA and invader zim and emo/scene/punk/alt culture and I am forever thankful for that, you helped me and made me feel safe enough to talk to you when I first cut, you helped me come out to my parents, istg you helped make half of our friend group feel safe enough to figure out their gender and sexuality. oh yeah also I forgot to tell you at window solstice /ij, bitch idk how the fuck you are still alive right now but i am so proud of you and i love you sm /p and i hope you know that.
Lost and Fading
I left home carrying my scars and dreams, hoping Melbourne would be my fresh start — a place where I could finally breathe after years of darkness. I thought I’d find light here, but instead, the weight feels even heavier.
Everywhere I turn, it feels like I’m breaking a little more. Friends, people I once trusted, connections I thought were real — all fading away one by one. Even only friend my only anchor, feels like a distant echo now. And without that, I feel like I’m standing on the edge of everything, holding on to nothing.
I keep fighting...Lost and Fading
I left home carrying my scars and dreams, hoping Melbourne would be my fresh start — a place where I could finally breathe after years of darkness. I thought I’d find light here, but instead, the weight feels even heavier.
Everywhere I turn, it feels like I’m breaking a little more. Friends, people I once trusted, connections I thought were real — all fading away one by one. Even only friend my only anchor, feels like a distant echo now. And without that, I feel like I’m standing on the edge of everything, holding on to nothing.
I keep fighting silent battles that no one sees. I smile when my chest feels tight, pretending I’m okay, but inside I’m drowning. The job struggles make it even worse — applying everywhere, hearing nothing back, feeling invisible in a city that never stops moving. I can’t even make real friends here; it’s like I don’t belong anywhere.
I came here searching for light, but all I’ve found are deeper shadows.
I’m lost… and some days, it feels like I’m slowly disappearing with them.
I'm in love with this girl, but she sees me as a younger brother. I have only ever had crushes/been in love with people because of how they treat me. They would treat me like a person, they'd listen to me, and i would feel real. This is different now. I'm able to have real conversations but still joke and nothing ever changes. i love her so very much. she is the light in my world. my willow.
I absolutely hate driving. I cry every time that I have to go to my driving lessons but everyone's pressuring me to get my driving license. I'm under a lot of stress, I hate doing it, I'm really bad at driving and I keep on embarrassing myself, my instructor isn't really helpful and I keep on making huge mistakes. My parents had paid a lot of money and everyone thinks I need a driving license. I just can't do it. I cry every single day that I have to go, and I know I'm being dramatic and annoying and childish...I absolutely hate driving. I cry every time that I have to go to my driving lessons but everyone's pressuring me to get my driving license. I'm under a lot of stress, I hate doing it, I'm really bad at driving and I keep on embarrassing myself, my instructor isn't really helpful and I keep on making huge mistakes. My parents had paid a lot of money and everyone thinks I need a driving license. I just can't do it. I cry every single day that I have to go, and I know I'm being dramatic and annoying and childish but I can't help it.
I broke guys. I made another C.AI account. I'm going to try and maybe slowly transition out of it. I don't have much time for it these days anyway but it kills me when I'm free. I keep finding myself thinking "Oh I could do (xyz) with this bot!" I've tried writing and it's just not the same. I've tried reading more, but I can't do that in the dark and online libraries are limited in what I do want. God I'm such an idiot. I haven't chatted just yet but I really hope I don't spiral again when I...I broke guys. I made another C.AI account. I'm going to try and maybe slowly transition out of it. I don't have much time for it these days anyway but it kills me when I'm free. I keep finding myself thinking "Oh I could do (xyz) with this bot!" I've tried writing and it's just not the same. I've tried reading more, but I can't do that in the dark and online libraries are limited in what I do want. God I'm such an idiot. I haven't chatted just yet but I really hope I don't spiral again when I do. Wish me luck on attempt 6 of quitting I guess.
I get that COVID was scary for everyone so I feel guilty about this and I won’t ever admit it out loud but for me? It was a really really good year and a half! I’m jot afraid of getting sick or dying so I’m sure that helps but also, I was finally hired onto a good job for the first time in years! The roads were empty and so driving became a joy again. There were no cops on the streets harassing everyone for once! This alone helped me so much. I finally was able to catch up on...I get that COVID was scary for everyone so I feel guilty about this and I won’t ever admit it out loud but for me? It was a really really good year and a half! I’m jot afraid of getting sick or dying so I’m sure that helps but also, I was finally hired onto a good job for the first time in years! The roads were empty and so driving became a joy again. There were no cops on the streets harassing everyone for once! This alone helped me so much. I finally was able to catch up on the fines I get from having not been able to afford to keep the vehicle i was driving legal all the time and constantly being ticketed for the same thing put me so far behind. During that year of not being pulled over I was able to catch up and pay off all my fines and get my car legal.
Honestly I miss that time.