Lately, I've been feeling pretty miserable. It's as if I'm waiting for something, but I don't understand what. All I feel is shame, sadness, longing, disgust. To be honest... I feel worse than I did last year. Last year, when I was just sad, I could talk about it and cry. But now I can't do anything. I've closed myself off from others as much as possible, stopped talking about myself, stopped talking about anything at all. I just listen. I have this heavy feeling inside, but I can't express it. Nothing helps.
The school year is about to start... And I haven't been able to deal with how I feel. I haven't done anything useful this summer. I've been thinking about strange things... And so time has flown by.
I feel so lonely. Not in terms of love or relationships, as I don't need romance. I am lonely among people... I have no friends. Life has been tough on me these past couple of years, but I could have coped with it. But I couldn't.
I just want to disappear, but not die. To go somewhere where my head isn't filled with horrible thoughts, fixations and constant self-criticism. Why am I so afraid to feel like a human being?
I understand that these are all silly teenage problems, but realising this fact does not help me get rid of these feelings. It's as if my mind and emotions live separately. And I can't do anything about it. I just feel like something is really off. I understand the reasons, their consequences, theoretical solutions. But I can't help myself. I seem to not care, but... it doesn't give me peace. It's such a contradiction.
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