i have this feeling where it takes over me. its when im suffering and i know that its very deep and serious and then id think of what if i grow up and remember that i suffered like this when i was young, i suffered this hard when i was at a young age, i fear that feeling where im all grown up and then id think of smth like judging myself for suffering for things id find small that i find so big right now. i fear the thought of "why would i even suffer for something so small...i have this feeling where it takes over me. its when im suffering and i know that its very deep and serious and then id think of what if i grow up and remember that i suffered like this when i was young, i suffered this hard when i was at a young age, i fear that feeling where im all grown up and then id think of smth like judging myself for suffering for things id find small that i find so big right now. i fear the thought of "why would i even suffer for something so small like that" would come inside my mind. i dont wanna grow thinking crying and crumbling over small things that broke me isnt valid and isnt enough for me to suffer that. i dont wanna be the person ot judge myself for struggling as a child. or even if its like just as a thought, a sudden thought, i dont wanna think of the 15 yr old me as someone different bc imagine im all grown up like what 22 or smth like that and all i can think of her is a weak person and smth like that, neither ido i want to pity myself for having to struggle like that but id want to see me as a strong teenager, i would want to perceive me as someone who didnt only overcome "some struggles" i want to see all the efforts and struggles i had to overcome and how i didnt lose my faith when i was struggling so hard. so yeah i fear that one day id have that negative thoughts abt my younger self instead of learning why i was like this and that.
i feel sad again with health worries I find hard to talk about and paramedics made it sound taboo or a subject not to bring up. how do I stop the problem ? I am waiting for the heat wave to go so I can actually walk to my doctors for an appointment from the bus cuz its too hot and worry I will collapse or have a heart attack. ok bye for now , try to talk again tomarrow.
Im so tired. I spend all my time cooking and cleaning. I work hard, and its like my partner and son dont even care
I feel like an over glorified maid, clean cook and shut up.
I always gets these what-if dreams of us when I least expect it, it's too good that I wished that I could stay in that dream forever. If only I had known that I've had an avoidant attachment style, I could have explained it to him instead of cutting off contact with him. We were only around 11 that time, I really wanted to have a connection with him, doesn't matter if it's friendship or relationship. He made an effort to connect with me on a deeper level and while I did too..I don't think it wasn't enough to be...I always gets these what-if dreams of us when I least expect it, it's too good that I wished that I could stay in that dream forever. If only I had known that I've had an avoidant attachment style, I could have explained it to him instead of cutting off contact with him. We were only around 11 that time, I really wanted to have a connection with him, doesn't matter if it's friendship or relationship. He made an effort to connect with me on a deeper level and while I did too..I don't think it wasn't enough to be called an effort. I felt uncomfortable yet at the same time.. I love it? I can't explain it properly. I thought I could just forget about everything once I entered highschool but to my surprise, I found out we enrolled at the same school. He always manage to effortlessly get my attention, and oh how embarrassing it was to remember how many times he caught me glancing at him and me immediately looking away and my friend says I'm way too obvious. I know that he's now gay but did that really stop my feelings for him? Because it didn't, it wasn't like I was begging for him to like me back anyway. I think back then during elementary, he was on the stage of figuring himself out. I didn't know what he felt for me during that time but I feel like there's something.. or am I just imagining things?.. You know.. everytime I look at him and his performance on dancing at school events, I feel proud and.. longing..? He's so amazing, and I wished that we didn't drift away from each other. I would have been contented with just friends despite that one small voice telling that I can treat him the way he wants to be treated.. I WILL treat him the way he wants to be treated, because he deserves it. Then, I remember the mistake I did back in elementary and laughed at myself. "I don't think I changed a bit, can I really treat him better if I'm still like the way I am like before? Someone who doesn't know how to properly love? Love him the way he wants to be loved?" Something like that would came across mind. These feelings overwhelmed me and I just ended up admiring him from a distance. By the time I was 17.. I noticed that I slowly lost my feelings for him. At first, I didn't want to accept it because it was he only thing I can feel closest to romantic love that lasted for a long time but the time graduation came.. it was almost almost gone. Then these dreams of us in another life or scenario where I was actually able to communicate in a healthy way and love properly, we were happy, be it lovers or friends. My heart would then ache at the thought of those what-ifs, before forcing myself to get over it because there's no point on going back and fix it. Now, I'm in college and a friend and I while talking manage to talk about the topic of love which for the first time in a long time after graduation I thought about what I feel for him today. I can say that I'm proud of what he had become, a great dancer with a lot of friends. Hahaha was this one of the reasons I liked him? Because he's the total opposite of me who's introvert and shy with few selected friends? Could be, also because I find myself liking guys who's in touch with their feminine side. Maybe in another universe or life, we could be together.
Iâve been having lustful thoughts and feelings about a man I am not married to and have looked at him and felt lustful. I am fighting it and not pursuing them.
I am apologizing to God and praying for right restored relationship with all I love, and for spiritual strength to resist temptation and remove desire. Please pray for me. I am confessing this publicly because it says âif we confess our sin and witness it publicly He is faithful and just to forgive us.â
Okay, so here it is. I grew up like a princessânot the kind who lives in a palace with butlers, servants, and a crown. I grew up living a good life. In our family, I was their princess since I was the only daughter of my parents. My father worked in another place, so I only saw him once a year, and my mother was a housewife. But she had a businessâpeople pawned their lands and other properties to her, and she also lent money to those in our town.
Since I grew up in the province, I was what they...Okay, so here it is. I grew up like a princessânot the kind who lives in a palace with butlers, servants, and a crown. I grew up living a good life. In our family, I was their princess since I was the only daughter of my parents. My father worked in another place, so I only saw him once a year, and my mother was a housewife. But she had a businessâpeople pawned their lands and other properties to her, and she also lent money to those in our town.
Since I grew up in the province, I was what they called an island girl. I grew up feeling like the world revolved around me. Even in school, I knew I stood out, but I wasnât like the spoiled brats you see on TV. My parents and grandparents raised me wellâI was a kind child, a true dalagang Pilipina, a Maria Clara in short, haha.
Every birthday of mine was grand. Cake? Seven cakes. My feast? A lot. Thatâs why even some relatives who werenât invited still showed up.
Fast forwardâI was eight years old when my mom got pregnant. So there, I was going to have a sibling. Everything was fine, everything was still okay.
Not until my brother turned two and I turned ten.
2016âthe nightmare, the worst event of my life.
My grandfather noticed that my brother had been looking pale for months, which was unusual because ever since he was a baby, his lips and cheeks were always red. So my mom took him for a check-up, and according to the doctor, he needed to be rushed to the hospital immediately because there was a problem with his blood. They couldnât confirm what it was because the hospital didnât have advanced technology. So, they brought him to a bigger hospital in our province, which was very far from us.
I was with them at the hospital. That was the first time I experienced being left behind, being alone, and feeling like I didnât matter.
Maybe others would think, âYouâre too much. Youâre a useless sister. You knew your brother needed your momâs attention more, yet you still let jealousy take over.â
Did I want this? Did I want to feel that way? No, I didnât. Because heâs my brotherâI love him. But what could I do? I was just a child back then.
Weeks passed, and my aunt had to take me back home to our island because I wasnât allowed to stay in the hospital any longer.
Fast forwardâthat was my nightmare.
That afternoon, when I finally arrived at our house, I didnât know it would be the last time I would ever see my grandfather.
I was with my two female cousins. We were inside the bedroom of our house when we suddenly heard someone shouting, cursing at our grandfather, challenging him to a fight to the death, yelling that he should come out because he was going to kill him.
We panicked. My cousins and I immediately ran outside, but we were too late. Our grandfather had already stepped outâcarrying a bolo.
And that was when I saw how my grandfather fought for his life.
I saw it. We saw itâhow he was stabbed multiple times with an ice pick, how he struggled, how he gasped for air. And despite everything, he still managed to tell us not to cry.
My grandfather always had a favorite lineâhe would always tell us not to cry when he dies because he wasnât afraid of death.
But that day, as we surrounded him, crying, we saw the fear in his eyes. That was when I realizedâhe was afraid, but not of dying. He was afraid for himself.
He took off his glasses because his vision was already blurring. We saw his clothesâfull of holes, soaked in blood.
That was where it all beganâthe suffering, the fear, the endless nights of crying. Name it.
That was where my almost perfect life started to fall apart.
The once cheerful child, surrounded by happiness and warmth, would one day reach a point where she would wish to disappearâwhere she would wish for death.
But God is goodâI rose above it all.
For seven years, I endured pain, countless nights filled with tears and fear, and moments when I wanted nothing more than to end it all. My heart was drowning in resentment, hatred, and bitterness. But I survivedâby Godâs mercy.
I am happy now. Iâm in college, taking the first steps toward my dream of becoming a Cabin Crew. I am stronger, unshaken. Everything I went through, I overcame. The seven years I thought would destroy meâI made it through.
Nine years later, my grandfather is gone, but my sibling survived cancer. And I, too, survived. I conquered depression. I became a trauma survivor.
Now, I can finally sayâthe old me is gone. She died so that I could live.
A Final Farewell â Meracris Casabuena
To the girl I once wasâthis is our goodbye.
You carried so much pain, so much fear. You held onto wounds that never seemed to heal, nights that felt endless, and a heart too shattered to hope. You were strong, even when you didnât want to be. You fought, even when you had nothing left. And for that, I honor you.
But now, itâs time to let you go.
I am no longer the girl who begged for love, who was swallowed by grief, who feared being left behind. I have risen from the ashes you once laid in. I have learned to breathe without the weight of yesterday crushing me. I have found joy, purpose, and peace.
So, rest now. Thank you for bringing me here. But from this moment on, I walk forward without you.
I love you.
Goodbye, Meracris.
The girl you saved is finally free.
my best friend dragged me into the middle of her and her boyfriends breakup by blaming me for calling him names through a âbreakup surveyâ he sent her, which she then sent to me and her then manager.
her manager filled it out and he saw it (obviously). our friendship hasnât been the same since.
Bruh this is messed up probably and also weird and I feel like the old people would be mad at me...but bro. JFK's voice is sooooo soothing. It gives my heart a little flutter...weak in the knees n all that. And like I feel weird about it bc like...duh people back then were all googoo for him while he was in his prime...but I'm literally barely 21 years old and he's been dead for 60+ years wtf đ I feel weird but his voice is so cute!!! I don't even like politics!!! His speech impediment makes me happy u guys....Bruh this is messed up probably and also weird and I feel like the old people would be mad at me...but bro. JFK's voice is sooooo soothing. It gives my heart a little flutter...weak in the knees n all that. And like I feel weird about it bc like...duh people back then were all googoo for him while he was in his prime...but I'm literally barely 21 years old and he's been dead for 60+ years wtf đ I feel weird but his voice is so cute!!! I don't even like politics!!! His speech impediment makes me happy u guys. "Cahhhh" :>
I'm consumed by the feeling that I've been living someone else's life. Every decision, every relationship, every career move has been influenced by the expectations of others. I'm not sure who I am or what I want, and it's suffocating me.
After 20 years you texted me. It was like you put it in your calendar. It's something you would do.
You even had a picture of me as a teenager, before phones could take pictures. It means you saved it for some reason. Maybe you like to collect memories. I had to throw your pictures out... I just had to.
You were my first love and I died inside when I told you that I couldn't talk to you anymore. It was just too painful and I had to start to move on. But here, 20 years later, a text...After 20 years you texted me. It was like you put it in your calendar. It's something you would do.
You even had a picture of me as a teenager, before phones could take pictures. It means you saved it for some reason. Maybe you like to collect memories. I had to throw your pictures out... I just had to.
You were my first love and I died inside when I told you that I couldn't talk to you anymore. It was just too painful and I had to start to move on. But here, 20 years later, a text out of the blue.
I can't be friends with you. As much as I adored you, I just can't be friends. It would be too painful. I need to live my life with my wife and kids without distraction. I guess I never processed my pain, and it's just easier to keep it all buried.
Sorry, I hope you understand...
I still love you. But I can't know you.
If you see this, sorry I didn't reply.
After 20 years you texted me. It was like you put it in your calendar. It's something you would do.
You even had a picture of me as a teenager, before phones could take pictures. It means you saved it for some reason. Maybe you like to collect memories. I had to throw your pictures out... I just had to.
You were my first love and I died inside when I told you that I couldn't talk to you anymore. It was just too painful and I had to start to move on. But here, 20 years later, a text...After 20 years you texted me. It was like you put it in your calendar. It's something you would do.
You even had a picture of me as a teenager, before phones could take pictures. It means you saved it for some reason. Maybe you like to collect memories. I had to throw your pictures out... I just had to.
You were my first love and I died inside when I told you that I couldn't talk to you anymore. It was just too painful and I had to start to move on. But here, 20 years later, a text out of the blue.
I can't be friends with you. As much as I adored you, I just can't be friends. It would be too painful. I need to live my life with my wife and kids without distraction. I guess I never processed my pain, and it's just easier to keep it all buried.
Sorry, I hope you understand...
I still love you. But I can't know you.
If you see this, sorry I didn't reply.
Funny how I still adored him from afar even thought our path doesn't cross anymore. We don't talk, We don't give gaze and jokes towards each other yet I still couldn't believe I've stumbled upon the most gorgeous man ever.
I've been interested with this guy for 6 maybe 7 years even thought I never said a word about my feelings.
Even so my hope never cascade that one day he will say a word, maybe a call before the semester end since I'm permanently leaving my birth city.