I don't know if I have the ability to love someone. I have never been in love, I have never activley tried to find a partner like all the people around me. I want love. I want to prove to myself that I'm not like my dad; that I can have a healthy, loving relationship with someone. I can be selfless, I can take blame, I can stay, I can love someone the way I wished to be loved all my life. I haven't had the fortune to witness a happy relationship within my family. My mum and dad had a rough time and divorced when I was seven. Then my dad had a relationship with my ex-step-mum which was incredibly toxic and horrible to be around. That lasted seven years. I don't have much faith in love. God, I don't even know if I like boys or girls, or both. I'm scared that I don't like either. I think my standards are impossible to live up to. And I believe they are so high because I'm so afraid of being in a relationship with someone like my dad. They say like father like daughter; and I have always worried that I am like him and that I will be emotionally abusive like him. It is my biggest fear. I don't ever want to be the reason someone goes through the sh*t that I went through. That is another reason why I am terrified to have kids. What if I do that stuff to them? I would never want to, but what if it has been drilled into me so thoroughly that I can't stop it. In short, I don't know if I have the capacity to love because I am so afriad that I will love like my dad, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
aroace
You remind me of myself exactly everything you’ve said (attraction to men and women, all the family stuff etc) and one thing I can say is that the fact that you are thinking and questioning whether you are capable of love suggests that you know what it is and deep down you are capable of it, but you just really fear it.