Anonymous Confession

December 4th, 2024
Okay, here we go again. Another night of me overthinking my life, writing to these blank pages because no one else will listen. I’m tired. Like, soul-crushingly tired. Not the kind of tired that sleep fixes, but the kind that comes from being so damn sad all the time.
It’s him. It’s always him.
I don’t even know where to start because it all feels like a fever dream now. How did I go from never knowing his name to making him my entire world? Like, how does that even happen? I still remember when I was just the nosy girl in **** Sir’s class, always poking him about his family. I’d ask him over and over about his brother because I was curious, you know? I mean, who wouldn’t be? He’s our favorite teacher, the coolest one in the whole gang. We all knew he had a brother, but Sir was weirdly secretive about it. For months, I’d ask, “Sir, what’s your brother’s name?” and he’d just laugh it off.
Then, on the last day of school, he finally said it. “***.” I don’t know why that name stuck with me, but it did. It’s like I unlocked this little mystery about him, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
And then came online coaching for O’levels. Surprise, surprise—he was there too. Not as ***, though. No, he was ************. God, we used to roast that username so hard. And his profile picture? Kakashi from Naruto. Classic anime fanboy energy. At first, that’s all I knew about him. A username, a pfp, and a name I couldn’t get out of my head.
I didn’t even know what his voice sounded like until he showed up in our other cool teacher and **** sir's best friend ***** Sir’s class. And let me tell you , the first time I heard him speak? I was done for. His voice was... I can’t even describe it. Deep, smooth, with this slight edge that made me want to hear it again and again.
But we didn’t talk. I was too shy, and he was just… there. Mysterious, untouchable, someone I never thought I’d get close to. Until one day, he messaged me. Out of nowhere. I was scrolling through my phone, and there it was: ***. My heart stopped. He wanted help with business homework. That’s how it started.
At first, it was casual. Just small talks here and there. Then he blocked me. No explanation, no warning. Just poof. Gone. I told myself it didn’t matter. We weren’t even close. But months later, he unblocked me, and when we started talking again, it was like something clicked. In one day, we went from awkward mates to being glued to each other.
We talked about everything—his life, his toxic girlfriend, ****** (who, btw was the reason why he blocked me the first time), his dreams, his family, his freaking guitar skills. He had this thing of making every tiny thing special for me. Who knew sending voice messages could mean so much to me? He opened up to me in a way that felt so raw, so real. And yeah, I helped him through his mess with ******. She was awful to him. Manipulative, selfish, a total wreck.
And then, somewhere in the middle of all those late-night chats and calls, I fell for him. It wasn’t planned; it just… happened.
When he asked me if I liked him, I panicked. I mean, what was I supposed to say? “No, I’m just here for emotional support?” Yeah, right. I told him the truth. “Yes, I like you.” And when he said he liked me too, my heart exploded.
Things moved so fast after that. He broke up with ****, and suddenly, he was mine. MY ***. The boy I never thought I’d get close to was now the center of my universe. He was everything I’d ever wanted. Sweet, flirty, romantic. Like, book-boyfriend level perfection. We’d talk 24/7, and every message felt like a little love letter. Me being a fan-girl with obsession for every kind of thing related to romance, this was literal heaven to which even I couldn't believe was happening to me
But of course, nothing good ever lasts, does it? Well at least for me it doesn't.
My mom found out. She was furious. Then **** Sir found out, and all hell broke loose. He was angry, disappointed, hurt—all of it. I get it now, but at the time, it felt like the world was turning against us. We stopped talking for two months. Two months of pure hell.
When things finally calmed down, we tried again. Secretly, of course. But **** Sir wasn’t stupid. He caught us again. And that was it. *** chose his family over me which is understandable and I don’t blame him for that. But if this love was true, he could have fought for us. I would’ve fought for him. But what happened happened. He blocked me, and I woke up to nothing. No goodbye. Just silence.
My best friend and our common friend ****** was the one who told me why. He’d sent her this long message explaining how he couldn’t hurt his brother anymore, how we wouldn’t work anyway. I read those words over and over, hoping they’d make sense. They didn’t.
Now he wants to be friends. Friends. After everything we had, he wants to go back to being strangers who pretend to care. It hurts. It hurts so much. I can’t move on, but he has. He’s fine. He’s happy. And I’m here, stuck in this endless loop of “what ifs.”
What if we never told anyone? What if things were different? What if he still loved me?

I still LOVE HIM. But I don’t want to love him anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore. Please, God, help me forget. Help me let him go. It hurts so much, God. I have no one to cry to—no one. I’m so alone, so helpless, so worthless, so broken.

When you love each other so much but have to break up for your family’s happiness… that’s what’s happening to me now. And I hate it. I don’t want to feel like this. I want to be happy. I want to feel alive again. This year is ending in a month, but my year ended that october night he blocked me.

After that, it was like none of it ever happened. Like all those moments we shared were just erased. He was the one boy I actually enjoyed talking to, the one who made me laugh, who made me feel like myself. When I first met him, I never thought he’d become this important to me.
Now I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m failing at everything—my studies, my life. My teachers are disappointed in me. My parents don’t understand me. And *** was the only one who did. He was the one place I could go, the one person who made everything feel bearable.

I miss him. I miss everything about him—his voice, his fluffy hair, his laugh, the way he made me feel like I was enough. He set the bar so high that no one will ever reach it. I don’t want to love him anymore, but I don’t know how to stop.

I wish I could hate him. But I can’t. All I can do is miss him and hope this pain goes away one day. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from ever falling for him or ever confessing to him. Maybe then, I wouldn’t be sitting here, staring at my phone, hoping for a message that will never come as a lover, but as a “friend”.
God, please. Just help me forget. Help me let him go. I can’t keep doing this to myself.