I made a plan to die one year ago. I have been in that place before but this time was different. I gave myself a year to improve, to feel better, to get control. I'm married to my HS sweetheart, we have 3 amazing kids. But financially we will never be ok. Every single time we get above water something hurts and we sink. Crippling medical bills from or child's brain surgery. Credit card debt since that's the only way we could afford groceries, I can't pay it back. I work full time and I clean on the side. My husband has 2 jobs as well. We have a tiny house, 2 bed/1 bath. We pay our taxes, love our children, show up every day and work hard but it's never ever enough. What's the point anymore? My year will be up in a couple weeks. I thought at the time that in a year I would have forgotten all about it... But it's all I think about.
There are resources to help you out. One option that would be a tough one is joing the military, and if yiu do tell them you want to join to help with your medical bills snd debt. Theyll put you on the right track
Don't do it. Your kids need you desperately. Sure, your husband could remarry and they'd have a stepmother but do you *really* want that for them? They don't need her. They NEED you. Don't do this.
My mother ended it 4 years ago when I was 14. Please dont make your children feel how my mother made me feel its incurable.
What you’re carrying would weigh down even the strongest person, but remember this: you don’t have to carry it alone. There are people who want to help you, who would drop everything if they knew what you’re going through. It’s ok to reach out, to lean on others. They’re not going to judge you or feel burdened—they’ll want to be there because they care about you and because, if they knew, they’d be heartbroken to see you struggling in silence.
Please consider talking to someone—someone who can help lighten this load a little, even if it’s one small piece at a time. There are support organizations out there who know exactly how to help in situations like yours, who want to support families just like yours, and they are available at no cost to you. Just imagine: with the right support, maybe in another year, instead of despair, you could feel even a hint of peace, relief, maybe even a little joy. That’s not out of reach for you.
You’re an incredible parent and partner who, against all odds, is doing everything humanly possible. That’s no small thing; it’s heroic. Your family is incredibly lucky to have you, and they love you more than words can say. They need you here, and though things seem dark now, please hold on and take just one more step. Just a bit more time. Things can shift, no matter how bleak things may feel now. Keep reaching out. People love you and want to be there for you, to see you find relief, and to walk beside you until you feel light again.
There is a path forward, even if you can’t see it yet. Just reach out one more time. You’ve already taken the first step by sharing this, and there is a way through. Keep going. You are worth it.
Oh well