Anonymous Confession

I always gets these what-if dreams of us when I least expect it, it's too good that I wished that I could stay in that dream forever. If only I had known that I've had an avoidant attachment style, I could have explained it to him instead of cutting off contact with him. We were only around 11 that time, I really wanted to have a connection with him, doesn't matter if it's friendship or relationship. He made an effort to connect with me on a deeper level and while I did too..I don't think it wasn't enough to be called an effort. I felt uncomfortable yet at the same time.. I love it? I can't explain it properly. I thought I could just forget about everything once I entered highschool but to my surprise, I found out we enrolled at the same school. He always manage to effortlessly get my attention, and oh how embarrassing it was to remember how many times he caught me glancing at him and me immediately looking away and my friend says I'm way too obvious. I know that he's now gay but did that really stop my feelings for him? Because it didn't, it wasn't like I was begging for him to like me back anyway. I think back then during elementary, he was on the stage of figuring himself out. I didn't know what he felt for me during that time but I feel like there's something.. or am I just imagining things?.. You know.. everytime I look at him and his performance on dancing at school events, I feel proud and.. longing..? He's so amazing, and I wished that we didn't drift away from each other. I would have been contented with just friends despite that one small voice telling that I can treat him the way he wants to be treated.. I WILL treat him the way he wants to be treated, because he deserves it. Then, I remember the mistake I did back in elementary and laughed at myself. "I don't think I changed a bit, can I really treat him better if I'm still like the way I am like before? Someone who doesn't know how to properly love? Love him the way he wants to be loved?" Something like that would came across mind. These feelings overwhelmed me and I just ended up admiring him from a distance. By the time I was 17.. I noticed that I slowly lost my feelings for him. At first, I didn't want to accept it because it was he only thing I can feel closest to romantic love that lasted for a long time but the time graduation came.. it was almost almost gone. Then these dreams of us in another life or scenario where I was actually able to communicate in a healthy way and love properly, we were happy, be it lovers or friends. My heart would then ache at the thought of those what-ifs, before forcing myself to get over it because there's no point on going back and fix it. Now, I'm in college and a friend and I while talking manage to talk about the topic of love which for the first time in a long time after graduation I thought about what I feel for him today. I can say that I'm proud of what he had become, a great dancer with a lot of friends. Hahaha was this one of the reasons I liked him? Because he's the total opposite of me who's introvert and shy with few selected friends? Could be, also because I find myself liking guys who's in touch with their feminine side. Maybe in another universe or life, we could be together.